You know.......

Sometimes, words really hurt and I think a lot of people forget that.  What you say cuts a lot deeper than anything you could do physically and can create wounds that are much more difficult to heal.

I get that I have issues.  Reality is though, we all do.  Difference here is, I don't tell anyone I come across what yours are.  Why?  Because I don't want to disrespect you like that.  I have my opinions.  And I don't agree with everything that you do.  That's your business.  Family or not, unless it directly effects me, then I keep my mouth shut about it.  Hell, there are things that directly effect me and I still keep my mouth shut about it.  Why?  Because I don't want people thinking that you are a bad person because I have an issue with you.

You, apparently, don't feel the same way.  And that hurts.

It's quite obvious that you've been sharing your opinion of me with other people, people that I don't even know.  It might be different if it was another family member or something, but it's obvious that it doesn't really matter who it is.  You have some issues with me and you've shared it.  Openly.  And that hurts.  A lot.   I'm shaking right now I'm so upset.  Not because I'm angry that you've done this.  It's because I'm hurt that you would disrespect me in a way I would not do to you.   It would be different if you were confiding to someone close to you, but, from the looks of things, this is not the case.

I really don't know how to handle this situation.  I know that you didn't intend for me to find out, but I have.  I'm tempted to be vengeful and do the same as you've done to me, but when it comes down to it, it really wouldn't solve anything, would it?  It's not going to take the hurt away that's been caused and hurting you in return, well, it will only cause further issue.

I'm sorry I've upset you so much to the point that you need to tell anyone and everyone about how you feel about me.  I wish you would have come and talk to me about it though instead of sharing it with the world.  That would have been the mature thing to do.

I suppose I expected too much.

Global Warming Ahoy

It's shorts weather, and has been for the passed week.

It's the end of March people.  I'm too young to be saying "Back in my day, it snowed during March break!"

Anyway, light weather banter aside, I'm not exactly a happy camper at the moment.  I"m not exactly sure why.  I think loneliness might be setting in?  One of the most difficult things about being in a long distance relationship is the fact that, that person can't be here to hug or kiss or just be with you when you really need them.  It's not anyone's fault and it's a sacrifice you making going into a relationship like this, but there are times when you just wish they weren't halfway across the world (or...wherever yours might be).

Today is one of those times.

I just want to curl up and cuddle.  Kiss.  Hold hands.  It's not even about the sex (though that is really really nice and something I also really miss) but it's more about the human contact and closeness that I'm missing right now.  Just to have him near me.  To reach out and touch him and feel him wrap his arms around me and remind me that I really am not alone.

In reality, I'm anything but alone and I know that.  I'm reminded daily that I'm not.  And I get kisses and cuddles and that human contact on a regular basis.  I'm a mom and I have two kids.  Hugs and kisses are norm.  But there is that partner/lover element that is missing from my everyday life and for some reason today it's taking it's toll on me.

I don't want to make out that I'm weak or whining and that's what I feel like I'm doing when I express myself like this.  It really is time to buck up and take it.

After all, this was my decision.

Why is it......

That I feel motivated while I'm at work and yet at home I don't?  It seems that when I have the time to do something, I don't, but when I'm busy I get all these fabulous ideas and think to myself "Ya!  That's awesome, I'm going to do that when I get home." ?

The life of a procrastinator I think?

Or is it that once I've been home and I've slept, that energy that I had while at work, etc, just poofs.  You'd think after getting 6 hrs or so of sleep, I'd feel even more motivated to do the things that I want to do, but it just doesn't happen like that.

It's frustrating, because I WANT to have the energy to do things, but it's just not there.  And I'm not exactly sure why.

Lately I've been extremely grumpy, for several reasons and I'm doing my best to combat it, but I think that part of it is I'm extremely frustrated with myself and not being able to convince myself to get up off my ass and take care of business.

Now before you get all perverted on me, I didn't mean it like that.  I just mean that I have several things on my to do list that stare me in the face EVERY damn day and the only time I have the motivation and the excitement about getting them done is when I'm sitting here at work, staring at my computer and not able to carry them out.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me sometimes.  I often wish I had someone sitting here next to me to reach over and shake me sometimes.  I need the sense knocked into me I think when it comes to doing this stuff.  Perhaps that's why my life has gotten into the pickle that it's in right.

Well, partly anyway.  Some things have been out of my control and I can't blame myself for that, but there is some responsibility I need to take for not having the ommph to deal with them.

Ahhh, such is life.  And I need a nap.

And the damn threatens to break;

Ever have that feeling that something is hovering....right....fucking....there....and you're absolutely fucking terrified that the smallest little thing will set off the apocalypse?

I'm not sure what it is, but the last three days or so I've been so completely off center and unbalanced, I feel like the world is going to end.  I can go from happy in one moment to "Omg I'm going to murder you if you don't stop that" in the blink of an eye.

Scary part is, I know what's causing it.  I've been trying to calm it, keep it under control, but the more stress that builds up, the closer I feel the edge creeping.  What scares me is that I'm not sure if there will be any coming back after I cross that line.

I want to get what's going on in my head out in words but it's extremely difficult.  Yasu keeps telling me to lean on him and I try, but I really mean it when I say I think I'm broken.  It's like a physically can't get it out.

What's wrong with me?

And the world shall end......

Nah, it won't.

At least I hope it won't.

It's the first post of the new year (on the bloody 10th, my lazy ass) and I find my poor wee blog neglected and lonely.  I'm sorry blog ~pets it~ I'll try and be more attentive in the future.

Things are going to get hairy.  And not in a good way.  Wait....is there really a good kinda hairy?  I suppose if you're bald, there could be, but that's getting WAY off topic.  Oops.

Things are going to be changing in the next 6 months and sometimes I have to take a deep breath, close my eyes an remind myself: "Yup, you can do this woman.  You can do this."  Sometimes the self pep talk works; other times they don't, but seeing as no one else is around to slap my ass and tell me to get out there and break a leg, well, I'm left here to try and motivate myself.

I won't deny, I'm fucking scared.  Change should scare anyone in their right mind, but at the same time, it's exciting and provides you with something to look forward to.  Think of how boring your life would be if you had nothing to look forward to, knowing NOTHING was ever going to change from the way things are now. Frankly, that would be depressing as all get out.  I wouldn't want to live a life like that.

So, this is a warning to those few that actually read my blog.  I may get crazy.  I may get distant.  I may get cranky and bitchy and appear to have lost my mind.  Don't worry, I probably have.  It does not, however, mean I love you any less.  It's the stress talking, not me.

Besides, claiming to be crazy and acting the part means I can plead insanity, right?  ;)

And, I adore this song.  It makes me smile.  For several reasons.  Just listen to it already.  :P

Life is like a box of chocolates.....

Wouldn't it be nice if life was just like a movie plot? A clear beginning, middle and end? One theme, problem to be solved and in the end, everyone lives happily ever after?

Sometimes I wish it were that simple. It frustrates me that sometimes movies make life seem so easy and so grand that all of us should be able to face each problem and overcome it with scripted ease.

Unfortunately, it's not. Yet somehow, every time I watch a heartwarming film, I feel inspired and fooled at the same time. Filled with false hope that no matter what comes my way, everything will work out in the end.

Unfortunately, life will never be that simple or uncomplicated and that's a harsh reality.

I really need to stop watching chick flicks at 4 am.

Set Fire to the Rain

This new song from Adele has become an instant favourite of mine. Usually any song that really hits home does and this one is no different.

Different songs can have different meanings for different people. That's nothing new and I'm no exception. Within the last 3 years, my life has made such dramatic changes and sometimes when I stop to think about it, it can overwhelm me.

This song makes me think of a particular person who set the ball rolling for these changes. I'm not saying I blame him for this; they were changes that needed to happen and had he not come into my life I may still be stuck in the same rut I was, unhappy and living a life I did not enjoy.

I fell in love. Hard and fast. He became my everything. Mainly my motivation to make the positive changes in my life that I needed to make. This is all fine and dandy but, in the end he only turned out to be a liar and a scam. Someone who hurt me like I'd never been hurt before. I let him do it to me too. I loved him so blindly and so completely that I ignored all the blatant truths that were staring me straight in the face.

Eventually I came around. He's no longer in my life. Some may have been lost after such a betrayal but the type of person I am, I didn't crack. I didn't curl up in a ball and not want to go on. No, I took the experience in a positive light and I came out as a stronger person in the end.

In a way I owe this person thanks for what they did to me. Because of his deception I'm a more cautious person. Sure, I still love completely as I did before but I'm not jaded. I approach people differently. I'm not so naive or so vulnerable to what others tell me. He denies to this day and probably will for the rest of his days but you know what? That doesn't matter. *I* know the truth. And that's what counts. I learned something from it and I moved on to be a more mature person for it.

Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. Be it for a short time or for the rest of our lives. Regardless, there is purpose for that person and what you take out of that is up to you. You can't control how people treat you, however it's completely up to you what kind of person you become because of it.

I leave you with this: look for the positive in life. Even when everything may seem like it's going wrong, there is something there, something to make all the pain and suffering you go through worth the effort.

You just have to be willing to find it.