Run, run away.

Why do I always have such an urge to run?

It's like I see the world one way, I build up this image in my mind, I'm confident, secure in that knowledge and I believe in myself and then someone comes along and shows me how things really are or challenge my way of thinking and all of a sudden that make believe confidence I had comes crashing down.


And it makes me want to run.

Not always in a literal sense; though I won't deny that the thought of packing my shit in the car and disappearing does cross my mind quite often, It's more a withdrawl from the real world.  From the people around me.  I hold everything inside and can't get out what needs to be said.  Not for lack of trying, it just won't come out.  What frustrates me, is that I'm smart enough to know exactly what I'm doing and why.  I'm pulling away because I can't seem to cope with the situation.  The anxiety sets in and I get restless, panicked and terrified all at once.  All this emotion overwhelms me and that triggers that flight response in me and rather than face the source of the issue, every fiber in my being is screaming at me to turn and run.

I know this is not the way to do things.  The logical, mature response is to buck up and deal with it like an adult.  So why can't I make myself do it?  Instead of fixing the issue, I retreat and ignore, hoping the issue will just go away.  But it never does and it never will.  Ignoring it, will only mean that things will keep getting worse and not only is that bad for me but it's worse for everyone else around me as well.  When I do, do something that I think will make things better, I tend to only make things even worse and I feel like a complete fuck up and we're back at square one.

Even know as I'm writing this, I can feel the anxiety eating away at the pit of my stomach so badly I want to vomit.  However, I'm at work and that wouldn't be very professional of me.  There are things I could be doing, things I should be doing, but instead, I'm sitting here writing about how it feels to not being doing them.  Defeats the purpose I think.

Regardless of what happens, I will not give up.  I'm not that weak.

Am I?