Social Anxiety Ahoy

This weekend proved interesting.

Taking a chance, I went to a party.  Mind you, I had been invited to this party a month ago and at the time had planned on attending, but as the date approached, that new anxiety began to creep up on me until, only a few days before, I had changed my mind and thought "No, I can't go."

Let's fast forward to the day of.  I'm not sure what it was exactly.  I think the accumulation of all the stress from that week piled up into one, both online and off and I realized I needed an escape and fast.  What a coincidence, there was a party that night.  Shoving, violently, all my apprehensions aside, I went out, got myself a costume, dolled myself up (made sure I had alcohol and all the appropriate ways home) and made the big leap and showed up.

Now, I've isolated myself a lot the last few years.  Depression, divorce, kids, work all of these things combined made it easy for me to tell myself "You don't need to go out, you're busy.  It's easier....and cheaper, to stay home."  Well, turns out, this isn't the healthiest thing to do, go figure.  Social anxiety reared it's ugly head for the first time as soon as I stepped out of the car at the house party.  As I walked in and went to set my things down, I was literally, shaking.  It was a bit of an eye opener because, even though I have never been a real social butterfly, I've never experienced that complete fear of being in a crowd.  Mind you, the fact that I only knew one person in a huge houseful of people could have had something to do with it, but, that's besides the point.  I. Was. Afraid.

And I did something I've also never done before.  I didn't run.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I wanted to take off, top speed in the opposite direction.  Come home as soon as I possibly could, curl up in my bed and remind myself how safe and happy I was at home.

But I didn't.

Instead, I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone and I stuck it out.  And you know what?  I'm glad I did. I had an amazing time.  Of course, alcohol was involved.....a LOT more than I've had in a long long time (tequila rose and vodka anyone?) but overall, I met new people, hopefully some to become some new friends and I just generally enjoyed myself.  I wasn't stressing about home, or online, or work or money and eventually, once I was comfortable with my surroundings, I wasn't stressing about being out in public either.  I went out of my way to say hello to people rather than waiting for them to say hi to me.  I played drinking games.  I didn't throw up! (yes this is an accomplishment for me, hush) And I went home, not regretting a single thing I did that night.

So what has this taught me?  Well, for one, I need to get out more.  Duh.  Two, I need to be brave and push myself more.  That fear is just fear.  It can be overcome.  Sure, it's hella scary....it's fear.  But, if I take that step across that familiar line into unknown territory, it isn't always going to end badly.  Hell, it might even end up like it did Saturday night, with me coming to my senses about what I've been doing to myself for the past couple of years.  I'm not a hermit and I need to stop acting like one.  I have a lot to offer as a friend.   That's not meant to sound conceited, just...I'm not doing myself any favours by hiding out at home all the time.

There is more to life than work, sleep and kids.  About time I woke up.

(Me as my Kitty self.  Tell me something, why do cat costumes always come with bowties?

When was the last time you saw a cat in a bowtie? >.> )